[Note: This article is part of a continuing series. If you are seeking help recovering from your own abortion, you will receive the most benefit if you start with the first article. Look in the archives of the Streams of Life section, December 1999.]

I was a prisoner on "death row" for 30 years. In my mind I had been sentenced to pay for my terrible crime. I thought of ending my own life several times but never finished the job. I had done such a sinful thing. My baby boy never had a chance. I had cared more about keeping my sins a secret than about this innocent unborn child of mine. He deserved life, not death. I was a murderer! An eye for an eye is what I had always heard. God says in Numbers 35:21b: "The avenger of blood shall put the murderer to death when he meets him."

Have you watched news programs when there are parents on trial for killing their babies? They say these young people are guilty of murder. So are we who abort our children. Yet they are sentenced and we are free. How can this be when the only difference is a little time? Our nation is just as guilty as we are because they say that abortion is all right if it’s done while a portion of the baby is still in the womb. How can anyone say partial birth abortion is okay when they find out the details of how they are done? Anyone who still says they should be allowed must surely have a heart cold as ice and hard as steel!

We had "Friend Day" at church last week and our state representative, Jim Vincent, prayed in our morning service. He made a statement that has really made me think even more about our country’s sin of abortion. He was talking about how terrible it was that so many innocent people died on September 11th. Yet we kill many more innocent babies each year. Do we think this is terrible? Do we mourn their loss as we do those victims of September 11th? These little ones, innocent victims of abortion, never have a chance either.

My niece, Kelly, is in the third grade now and is living with us so she can go to a Christian school. I’m so thankful that I am able to send her to such a wonderful school where she can grow even more in her faith. They memorize a Bible verse each week. A recent verse was Proverbs 6:16-17: "There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood." God hates what we are doing to our babies. We are guilty and should all be on death row: "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6:23)

Would we cry for mercy if we were really on "death row"? We don’t deserve mercy. But we have a loving, merciful God who gives us the free gift of salvation through Jesus Christ. He took our place on "death row." He suffered and died for all. We truly don’t deserve to be free but Jesus set us free, so we are free indeed! God loves us… it’s our sin He hates.

This reminds me of the beautiful words of praise we sing:

I’m forgiven because you were forsaken.
I’m accepted... you were condemned.
I’m alive and well
Your spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again.
Amazing love, how can it be
That you my King would die for me?

"Righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:21-24) "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!" (Romans 5:8-10)

Shakespeare knew we couldn’t wash away our sins. I used to fret about my sin of abortion like Lady Macbeth when she said, "Out, out damn spot!" She couldn’t wash the blood from her hands just as we can’t. Only the precious blood of Jesus can make us white as snow. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." (Isaiah 1:18) I cried out to God as David did in Psalm 51:7: "Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow."

Because of God’s bountiful mercy, we don’t receive the death penalty we deserve. Because of God’s incredible love, we have a Savior in Jesus Christ. Because of God’s amazing grace, we can have Heaven as our eternal home. I’m grateful for the chance to tell you of God’s healing power. And I’m forever grateful for the Cross.